Friday, May 16, 2008

Repost this within five minutes or you won't be able to laugh for a year....

This is for all the junk e-mails, warnings and chain letter crap, you've no doubt received over the years.

george rutherford wrote:

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the
past year.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last
person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has
happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the
number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose. (Although
cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine
how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a
public bathroom. Yuck!

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope
that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward
an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al
Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore
and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to
grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a
friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their
hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Teenagers suck!

Why do teenagers act the way they do? It should be illegal to treat your parents like crap after all they did for you as a baby. They changed your poopy diapers, cleaned up puke and spit up, fed you and let you play peek-a-boo for hours on end, sat up all night worrying about you when you were sick, pacing the floors til you feel asleep and many more undesirable, but totally worth it things.

And then you pay us back by having hormones, sneaking out of the house, sending us to an early grave and turn our hair gray (or in my case, white).

This whole territory is new to me (I mean aside from acting like an ass to my mother). If I'd of known this is how those cute, sweet babies turn out, I would have never had as many children as I have now. I would have stopped at, oh zero!

So my latest adventure with Amanda is an on-going one. Forgive me for acting stupid, but this is one behavior I never did at this age (because frankly we didn't have the world wide web at our fingertips back then). At any rate, Amanda has been instant messaging this boy from her english class (at least that's what she says). They also text message non-stop. I realized this one night when I was on-line and she was in bed, when this boy kept writing poetry to her (me) and calling her sexy and other things. I was quite taken aback by this. At first, I just let the kid write all this stuff, but then it got annoying because he kept typing, "R U there" endlessly and this kept popping up while I was reading the newspaper on-line. So eventually, I typed back "Amanda is asleep, this is her mother." I'm sure if I could've seen the kid's face it would have been a lovely shade of red or at the very least pink. He stated that he was sorry several times and then must have logged off.

When I asked Amanda about it the next day, she just said "he's a kid from my english class", now this phrase will become important later, I promise. Why she just couldn't say, there is this boy I really like and....? It's not like I would care. But she just doesnt' tell me these things. Which saddens me, because I really wanted to have a more open relationship, but that's someething she's interested in, I guess.

So about a week ago, Amanda bugs me endlessly by asking me if she can go for a walk "because it's such a nice day". Usually she's jumping at the chance to take her younger siblings, but this time, she wasn't interested in taking them with her. I got tired of her hounding me over it, so I told she could and to be back in an hour and a half. The hour and a half goes by and she calls me on the phone. And she asks me if "we could stay longer and go to the school playground." I asked her who "we" were since she said she wanted to be alone on this walk. And she tells me it's just this kid from her english class. So I tell her yes, and to be home in an hour, no later.

Again, why couldn't she just tell me, I don't want to take the little kids, because I want to meet so and so at the park and hang out with them. Instead, she is being all sneaky. How am I supposed to trust that in the future? Just tell me what you're going to do, don't try to sneak off and do all these stupid things, you know?

So with all the back talking and complaining and being a brat, etc, I now have to deal with this crap. Yay, me!