Just like any other mother, I bounce back and forth between loving my children to pieces to wondering how I made it through the day without causing bodily harm.
Being a mother of six makes it just that much harder.
Which is why I love my nightly walks, while I enjoy the solitude I get when I go by myself, I also enjoy the nights when one or two or three...of my children tag along. It usually turns out to be the most fun. They entertain me with their wild stories, we chat about what's going on at school or with their friends, etc. And as much as I love it when my little guys go, I enjoy the time with my daughters the most.
Just the other night as we were walking Sarah and I had one of the best talks ever.
I wanted to cry when I came home. You know those moments when you are just so over whelmed with pride about your children that the emotions tend to overflow...well, our children have those moments too, about us, who knew?
As we were walking and chatting, Sarah broke down and almost started to cry while she was telling me how happy she was that I was her mother. About how proud she was that I lost all that weight. She said she was talking to her friend and telling her friend about me and she started to cry while sharing. She said "mom I felt so weird crying while I was sharing and my friend said that it's ok to cry to your friends, especially about something like that."
Sarah shared that she had been praying for me for as long as she could remember. She prayed I could lose weight, because she was worried about my breathing and my asthma. She said then all that Nutrisystem happened and it was like God heard me. I said he heard me too.
She said that she was so happy for me that I could breath better and she wasn't worried about me as much anymore, because she knew I would be ok.
As a mother, I'm a big believer in telling my kids that they can do anything....and for it to mean anything to them, it had to mean something to me as well. How could I preach to them that they can do anything they put their minds to and doubt my own abilities?
Chasing away the boogie man for my children, while living in fear myself wasn't working....besides, kids are not stupid. They can see for themselves and know what works and what doesn't. If you show them fear, they will notice it. But you know what, sometimes, you need to show them that vulnerability as well. That it's ok to be fearful about some things, but to not let that fear rule over you.
I remember several years ago when I was really put to the test. We went to an amusement park that had a fun jungle kids section. In that section there was a climbing net that was several feet high. One of my biggest fears is heights. All the kids and Rich climbed the net and I cowered in fear at the bottom watching them. Then came the moment where the kids were begging me to climb too and Rich pulled me aside and said "what are you going to do? let your kids see you cry and give in or believe in yourself and try." I did cry....I cried the whole way up that big ol' net. And even more so when I got to the top and felt like I couldn't climb anymore. But while I was clinging in fear to that net with Rich beside me, I heard my kids cheering for me. "come on mom, you can do it...you got this." And while I cried and climbed with Rich by my side, I felt relief. I no longer was crying tears of fear, but tears of joy. I faced a huge fear, but I didn't face it alone.
People always ask me why I'm always smiling or why I seem so happy...don't I ever get upset or mad? And the answer is yes, I get mad, I get downright angry, I scream, I pout, I cry...and then I get over it. I get over it, because I realize that God has blessed me with so many things that I can't possibly be upset. I believe in a higher power and I believe in myself.
It's taken a long time for me to get to this point in my life, I can't turn back now.
I'm grateful for those nightly walks with my children....because as much as I believe in them and in myself...it means even more to me knowing that they believe in me too.
