Monday, October 15, 2007

Ramblings

Where to start? A few things have bugged me or freaked me out the past few days.

First, an old lady died at the nursing home. Not a big deal where I work, they are old and lived their lives and die, totally natural. But the circumstances around this woman's passing was odd.

A few nights ago, while V (a person I work with) and I were doing our last rounds, an old lady off another hall was screaming and screeching, it sounded hideous. She was freaked out and said there was someone in her room, watching her (no one was there). She started screaming "They're coming for you, they're coming for you!" over and over again. So the aides on that hall got her up and took her to the nurses station, where she continued to scream.

V and I got done with our halls first and decided to help out the other two workers finish their halls. V and I walked into the room to change a lady, when we turned on the light and walked up to her bed, we both knew she was gone. But both of us were shocked and just stood and looked at each other for a second, and then we both ran out and got the nurse. Now I have worked there for over four years and V has been there longer than me, and we have both dealt with death before, but for some reason, we were both off balance by the situation.

The RN came in, checked her and indeed she was gone. When we were finished and came out of the room, the woman who had been screaming was silent. Not only that, but she was sleeping and looked spent. It was so freaky! Did that woman actually see someone coming for the other lady? How did she know?

I have been somewhat disturbed by this for days. I'm so afraid of dying. Even when I was an avid church goer, I still feared death. Like what happens when you die, do you actually truly get to see your loved ones, will they know you, what happens to your body, your soul, can you look down and see how your family is doing, etc. Can you see why this is bothering me so? I get like this for days, and freak out, and then I forget about it and move on, until something like the above happens and then I freak out again.

Maybe, I need to go to church again and seek out Christ and then I will find peace, I don't know. I know I haven't been a good Christian in years, a decade, going on two, but I do believe in God, and I'm sure that's not enough. Oh, I could go on like this forever....

Another thing that has bothered me, although I have no idea why because I should be used to it by now, is the fact that my mother came down and visited my sister this weekend and didn't stop by to see me or the kids. She lives about three hours away. She is always coming down to go to the dentist, to see her sisters, my siblings; but she never makes time to visit me. The last time she came down (a couple of weeks ago) she called me and said she was down here, to go the dentist, put flowers on my father's grave, and visit my aunt.

She made a big point to say that she didn't even know my phone number and had to call her husband to get it. And all she wanted to know was if she could use my bathroom before she went to her appointment. It's nice to know that I make a nice rest stop for her! She spent more time in the bathroom than she did visiting with me. She barely acknowledged Nathan (granted he was sleeping, but still). She didn't make arrangements to come back and see the other kids after school or anything. That makes twice that she has been down this way and did this (in just a month - she's done it more than that before).

She can't even say that it's because I don't visit her, because I have been there more than my brothers have, my sister hasn't even been there once. She just irks me! I have no idea why I feel like this, I'm a big girl now and have a family of my own. And it has always been this way for me. Everyone always came before me. But it still bothers me. I was in therapy once and the therapist told me I should tell my mother that I didn't feel loved by her as a child. And my mother said, oh you were loved, you were your grandfather's favorite. Well, guess what, he died when I was 3 and he wasn't my mother!

Enough of that, cause I could go forever about it as well...

Nicholas took a pair of scissors and basically scalped himself while I was at work. Some patches are so close to his head, he'll probably have to get his head shaved to make it all even. Ohh the things kids will do!

I broke my glasses. I can't stand wearing glasses anyway. I want contacts so bad. I had them when I was younger, but haven't gotten them since. Now I'll end up with a scratched nose until I can get these stupid things fixed. My eyes are getting bad, I can tell. I wake up in the morning and everything is a big blurry mess, and not just from having bad eye sight. I'm afraid, I have glaucoma or cataracts or something worse than that. It sucks to have bad eyesight! Did I mention that I hate to wear glasses? I hate how they get all fogged up in the winter and rain, or when it's humid. I hate being blinded by the sun, because I can't wear sunglasses. It just sucks!

I'm done rambling.

For now, anyway.....
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