Sunday, August 02, 2009

Just to get this off my chest

I started out writing this post about how frustrated and upset I was about Nathan's party today. But then I thought about how hard I am trying to embrace life and not be so upset and aggravated about everything. How I was going to try to see things in a more positive attitude. And I will, I am.

However, I was feeling frustrated. See I planned this party for my little guy. My youngest, most darling boy. I wanted it to be a perfect day, because I wanted it to be wonderful for him. So when my siblings started calling me and telling me they weren't coming, I got really upset. To the point where I actually started to cry. I was letting my low self esteem get to me...Rich being the protector that he is, was equally mad. Plus, he shelled out 300 bucks on food, beer, drinks, bigger cake - all based on my family telling us they were coming. And now they weren't (and it sort of seemed as though one of them wasn't being very honest about it). I didn't invite a lot of people, just my two brothers, my sister, my mother and Terri and Vince (our closest friends).

So who showed up? Jimmy, Kristen and Terri. That was it. I told Terri that I felt like crap. I have always said that Terri and Vince are like family to us. They are. They have come through for us in more ways than words can say. My kids will even call Terri, Aunt Terri because she is like an aunt to them. So, I tell Terri, do you think this is somehow a way for them to say that they (my family) doesn't like me? Like I'm inadequate or something. I took it personally. I couldn't/can't help it.

Now, I realize that maybe I'm just acting like a big baby. But when you have struggled with feelings of not being wanted or feeling like you aren't good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, skinny enough etc....it's hard sometimes NOT to take it personally, you know?

At any rate, Nathan had a great day. He didn't even know what or who was missing. To him, the most important people were already there and that was all he needed - that and his presents, of course. He loved his party and he felt like the special little boy that he is. He even said thank you. So, even though I still feel the sting and Rich will still be upset about spending more money than he should of had to, I will remember that my little guy had the best day ever and that to me means more than the world!
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