That's My Girl!!

Zachary running towards first base




Sarah on third base




Sarah at bat!




Zachary at bat!




They Won, They Won!!




Celebrating the big win





********The previous pics are from the game, sorry for the blurry celebrating pics, I took them with my cell phone and it doesn't have an action setting, LOL! (and for the record, our last name isn't Campbell so no worries).**********


The twins had a ball game today. They do fairly well, not all stars but better than other players. Zachary more often than not, walks because he will get more balls than strikes. Sometimes he will swing the bat and make contact with the ball, but I can't remember the last time he actually hit the ball. But he does well with other things, I know one game they didn't score any runs until Zachary walked to first and then stole second and then third and then made it home. He scored the first run of the game by basically stealing his way, LOL! Whatever gets you there, eh? But I noticed that the coach does play Zach in the in field, usually second or third base. And he does pretty good in there. So maybe that's his thing, you know?

Sarah on the other hand isn't afraid to hit the ball. She doesn't care if she strikes out, but she'll go down swinging that bat when she does. There are times that she hits the ball and that girl has some power. Sarah will usually always hit the ball when she gets angry or frustrated. She is the only girl on her team, and maybe the only girl playing in her division (for our town). Most girls moved up to softball after t-ball, but Sarah wanted to stay with her brother.

Like I said, when she feels frustrated she will get a great hit, almost everytime. One game, the other team (all boys) was being mean and saying things like strike her out, she's easy, she's a girl. And Sarah whacked that ball into the outfield and proved all those boys wrong and she did it all with a smile on her face. That same game there was a pop up that went to the outfield and Sarah reached up and caught the ball (it was almost accidental that she did), she just stood there with the huge grin. Like, take that one boys! Go Girl Power!!

Today, though I couldn't be more proud of my girl. During one inning, she hit the ball and it rolled right over second base and she scored a double. Because (I didn't know this) but if the ball rolls over the plate, they automatically get a base. When the next inning came up, there was a girl pitcher and Sarah swung the ball - strike. Next pitch was a ball, then Sarah swung that bat and cracked that ball out there. The boys on the other team started stumbling for the ball, Sarah made it to first, second, then third. Did I mention that bases were loaded? Oh yeah my baby girl hit a triple and got three boys home. Everyone was jumping up and down, screaming. I think I was the loudest lol! It was fanastic!! When she crossed home plate I was screaming that's MY girl and clapping like a fool LOL!! It was great! The team was behind a few points when she did this too, so she in a sense saved the team and all the boys were so excited it was great. When Sarah asked me why I didn't take a pic of her hit, I said Sarah even if I thought to take a pic, it wouldn't have come out very well, because I was jumping up and down so much, LOL!

At the end of the game, her coach gave her the game ball. How neat is that?! I'm so proud of her! She is and always has been what I had wanted to be. She doesn't take crap off of anyone. She always tells it like it is, no matter what. She gets her feelings hurt, but she doesn't quit or stop fighting. In alot of ways she reminds me of Grandma. I still have a smile on my face thinking about that game and how much fun Sarah had and how great she felt doing it. That's MY Girl!!

Sharing Nicholas' accident

The other night, we were getting ready to go to the twins game when I asked Nick to go get his lawn chair outside. He no sooner walked out the door, only to come right back in crying and holding his cheek. He tripped over the dog's run, the dog was trying to get Nick to pet him and Nick tripped on his run line. He did a slide
across the back concrete porch with his face. The whole right side of his face looked like a nasty brush/rug burn. It was bleeding and looked horrible. I thought it couldn't get or look much worse than that.

Then, I took Nick to his last t-ball game by myself (sort of like a treat mommy and son time). I was sitting there watching him run the bases, he made it to home, and started to run for the dug out and tripped. It didn't seem like he hurt himself, so he kept playing. The last inning his team was in the outfield and Nick decided he had to pee, so he took off running for me and ran head first into the gate. You know that little hook lock thingy that locks the gate to the fence, he cracked his head on that. At first he just stood back from it, like what the hell was that. And he started run/walking towards me, when to my horror blood started gushing from his forehead. I jump up and run to him, other parents are in shock. Nick says, it doesn't
hurt, and I said, but you are bleeding.

I took him to the rest room and tried to clean him up with wet paper towels (I just changed out my purse to a smaller one, so I didn't have any bandaids). I told him to pee and then I'd clean his face again. When he came out of the stull, his head was gushing blood again. I know head injuries bleed more than any other body part, so
I just told him to hold his head back and hold the wet towels tightly on his cut. When I got it cleaned up enough to look, he had a cut above his left eyebrow, about a quarter of an inch wide and a half an inch long.

I walked him out of the rest room with the towels on his head, and went to the coaches' wives and asked if they had any bandaids. One of them did, and I put it on his head thinking it would be enough to get home. One of the coaches came over and looked at him, and couldn't believe what he did. He said the game was almost over
anyway and gave Nick a certificate for participating this year (which
was nice).

When the game ended, Nick wanted to line up with his team and go down the line saying "good game". They do this at the end of the games (all the teams on the league do it). Since this was the last game of the season, he wanted to do it, so he puts his hat on and lines up. And what does he do after they're done. He crashes into another kid, because he tripped - again. When he gets back to me, his head is
bleeding again, really bad. It went clear through the bandaid, all down into his eye and all over his cheek. Poor baby!! Me and another mom and a coach's wife clean him up again.

I got him home and put steri strips on his cut. He is perfectly fine. He was running like a nut with his brothers and rough housing, even though I told him not too. So I know he is fine now, but man what an ordeal for him to go through, you know? I felt so bad for him, I went to the store and bought him a bunch of treats. Rich checked him out to make sure he didn't actually need stitches or that he didn't have a concussion or something like that and he redid the strips that I did earlier, because again they were soaked with blood. We'll see how he is in the morning, if he's still bleeding I'll take him in, if not then we'll try not to worry about it too
much.

I still wonder if I did the right thing, as far as bringing him home and fixing it, instead of taking him to the ER. Rich said it looked as if either decision would have been fine. My thinking is that last month I took Nathan in for a head injury. It was a bump on his forehead that swelled up and turned blue and I was afraid he had a concussion or something, so for my piece of mind I took him in. Our insurance charges $50 for each ER visit and so I felt as though I had wasted that money, when the ER docs said Nathan was fine. I explained all this to Rich and he told, that I should never, ever worry about taking the kids to the doctor or hospital. That he would take care of it no matter what it costs. He told me for my piece of mind, if I felt they needed to go and then just take them and he would take care of the cost. He's told me this before, so I don't know why I worry about it. I think a part of me, just wonders if I'm doing the wrong thing. Or maybe it's the fact that I don't want to look stupid bringing a child in for nothing. I don't know. Maybe next time (and let's be realistic with six children there will be a next time), I'll try to remember what Rich said and take it to heart.

Seriously considering sleeping pills

I don't know what my problem is, but I feel like crap most of the time. Just tired and worn out, I think. In the morning I struggle to get up. I'm lucky in the fact that Rich will get up with the kids and watch them for me, most of the time. Well, really watch Nathan and Nicholas because the older kids can pretty much watch themselves while I sleep. Anyway, Rich will get up with the kids because I'm just so tired that I can't do it. Then, he will get me up and I'm on my own and I drink coffee and Coke by the gallon just trying to stay awake.

At night, I can't sleep (maybe it's all the caffiene I consumed during the day coming back to haunt me, I don't know), I will stay up or toss and turn for most of the night. Last night I finally fell asleep around 4:30. It's terrible and I hate it. I am seriously considering taking sleeping pills in the hopes that I can regulate my sleep pattern. My only fear and what holds me back from taking them is that I'm afraid something would happen and I'd be knocked out, you know? I guess I'm just not thinking because I know damn well that Rich would be up in a heart beat if something happened. Even though he's a deep sleeper, he can still hear and will get up over the most quiet thing. Things you think he can't hear, he does. It's weird!

Maybe I should just give in and take them one night, just to see if they work. It couldn't hurt, right? And then I would know if that was the problem or if it was something else. If I take them and it works and I get my sleep straighten out, how great would that be?! It's not like I would have to be dependant on them, it would just be sort of like getting over the hump and fixing this problem. I mean, how else do you fix insomnia? Because I have no idea, but I am so tired of being tired. I'm tired of having my eyes hurt and burn from lack of sleep. I'm tired of telling my kids that I can't play, because I'm so tired. I'm tired of falling asleep at odd times during the day, because my body is trying to catch up on sleep any way it can.

I think I'm going to give it a try and hope it works. It doesn't hurt to try, right?

Wow didn't realize how long it's been since I've posted

I have had so much going on that I haven't really had time to post much. I took a break from work. A nice month long break. Thank God, I needed it really bad. I'd love to quit, not because I hate my job, but now that I've been home these last few weeks I'm really loving being home. I mean, I know the kids fight and sometimes drive me nuts, but I love being home with them. I love being home in general. I love doing all those domestic things. I know I'm not the greatest housekeeper or sometimes, I really hate cooking, but most of the time, I feel like I'm in total bliss. And Rich has said that if things improve, if I really want to quit or work per diem (only two days a month) that I can. You don't know how my heart sings, when I think I could be home again. I thrive here. I love my husband, I love my children, I love my home, I love my life. Home really is where my heart is! I'm such a lucky girl!

I love making my family something they all love to eat and have them ooh and ahh over it. I love seeing my husband playing with our children. Mostly, I love that because he wasn't able to do it for a long time. So it's nice that his back is feeling better and he's starting to feel happy about things. Which by the way, I don't think I ever shared how he has been doing as far as his back is concerned. He found a new doctor. One that actually listens to how Rich is feeling. He changed his prescription, he has been injecting Rich with shots of epidurals (?). What ever is in that shot is working wonders! I know that there are some things that won't be able to change, but seeing him walk around without a cane most of the time is wonderful. He has come a long way since being in so much pain that he cried out in pain with every step. It makes me feel so over whelmed with pride and love that he didn't give up, that he decided to stick around for me and the kids. You don't know how close I was to being a widow.

Amanda has been trying my patience quite a lot. When she was born (actually when all the children were born) Rich said a little blessing and a little message about that blessing, not a curse but what could be a bad effect of that blessing, know what I mean. As in, he blessed Amanda with intelligence but with that intelligence will come trickery or lies. And boy did that ever come true. Weird! Amanda is very, very smart, tests have showed that she is a genius (sure doesn't get that from me). Rich always calls the kids baby geniuses, lol! At any rate, this kid has been trying to come up with all kinds of things to say she will do, only to be found to being doing something else. Does that make sense? I'll have to blog about that one separately.

Anthony is jealous that Amanda got a job this summer. She will be babysitting a few days a week for a neighbor. Anthony loves to get/make money. And he hordes it too, but I guess that's good. Better to save then spend it all and not have any. The twins have one more game left for the baseball season. Nicholas just finished his season for t-ball, finished with a bang. At his last game he banged, more like cracked his head, I can blog about that some other time as well.

Nathan is on his way to being potty trained. He loves to run to the bathroom when he has to pee, but when he needs to poo, he runs in the other direction. God, who knows why kids don't like doing that, it always takes them forever to poo on the potty. I'm hoping that by the time his third birthday comes next month that he will be fully trained. How nice that would be! No more diapers! I'm so tired of cleaning up poop, LOL!!

Repost this within five minutes or you won't be able to laugh for a year....

This is for all the junk e-mails, warnings and chain letter crap, you've no doubt received over the years.

george rutherford wrote:

Subj: THANKS ALOT
I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the
past year.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper
towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last
person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has
happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the
number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose. (Although
cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine
how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a
public bathroom. Yuck!

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope
that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward
an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al
Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore
and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their
recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to
grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a
friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their
hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Teenagers suck!

Why do teenagers act the way they do? It should be illegal to treat your parents like crap after all they did for you as a baby. They changed your poopy diapers, cleaned up puke and spit up, fed you and let you play peek-a-boo for hours on end, sat up all night worrying about you when you were sick, pacing the floors til you feel asleep and many more undesirable, but totally worth it things.

And then you pay us back by having hormones, sneaking out of the house, sending us to an early grave and turn our hair gray (or in my case, white).

This whole territory is new to me (I mean aside from acting like an ass to my mother). If I'd of known this is how those cute, sweet babies turn out, I would have never had as many children as I have now. I would have stopped at, oh zero!

So my latest adventure with Amanda is an on-going one. Forgive me for acting stupid, but this is one behavior I never did at this age (because frankly we didn't have the world wide web at our fingertips back then). At any rate, Amanda has been instant messaging this boy from her english class (at least that's what she says). They also text message non-stop. I realized this one night when I was on-line and she was in bed, when this boy kept writing poetry to her (me) and calling her sexy and other things. I was quite taken aback by this. At first, I just let the kid write all this stuff, but then it got annoying because he kept typing, "R U there" endlessly and this kept popping up while I was reading the newspaper on-line. So eventually, I typed back "Amanda is asleep, this is her mother." I'm sure if I could've seen the kid's face it would have been a lovely shade of red or at the very least pink. He stated that he was sorry several times and then must have logged off.

When I asked Amanda about it the next day, she just said "he's a kid from my english class", now this phrase will become important later, I promise. Why she just couldn't say, there is this boy I really like and....? It's not like I would care. But she just doesnt' tell me these things. Which saddens me, because I really wanted to have a more open relationship, but that's someething she's interested in, I guess.

So about a week ago, Amanda bugs me endlessly by asking me if she can go for a walk "because it's such a nice day". Usually she's jumping at the chance to take her younger siblings, but this time, she wasn't interested in taking them with her. I got tired of her hounding me over it, so I told she could and to be back in an hour and a half. The hour and a half goes by and she calls me on the phone. And she asks me if "we could stay longer and go to the school playground." I asked her who "we" were since she said she wanted to be alone on this walk. And she tells me it's just this kid from her english class. So I tell her yes, and to be home in an hour, no later.

Again, why couldn't she just tell me, I don't want to take the little kids, because I want to meet so and so at the park and hang out with them. Instead, she is being all sneaky. How am I supposed to trust that in the future? Just tell me what you're going to do, don't try to sneak off and do all these stupid things, you know?

So with all the back talking and complaining and being a brat, etc, I now have to deal with this crap. Yay, me!

And Another One

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check,
she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great....that's just great.... some asshole's got my pen!'

A Company Policy

My sister sent this to me, through e-mail and I thought it was funny and wanted to share.

A Company policy-times are tough--oh my!!!


Dress Code:
- You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
- If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
- If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
- If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor; you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. In rare cases here employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
- Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
- Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
- Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed

Thought this was kind of profound

I received this in an e-mail.


The Duck & the Devil


There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm.

He was given a slingshot to play with out in the woods.

He practiced in the woods; but he could never hit the target.

Getting a little discouraged, he headed back for dinner.

As he was walking back he saw Grandma's pet duck.

Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck square in the head and killed it. He was shocked and grieved!



In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile; only to see his sister watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.
After lunch the next day Grandma said, 'Sally, let's wash the dishes'

But Sally said, 'Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen.'

Then she whispered to him, 'Remember the duck?'

So Johnny did the dishes.

La ter that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing and Grandma said, 'I'm sorry but I need Sally to help make supper.'

Sally just smiled and said, 'Well that's all right because Johnny told me he wanted to help'

She whispered again, 'Remember the duck?' So Sally went fishing a nd Johnny stayed to help.

After several day of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's; he
finally couldn't stand it any longer.

He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck.

Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug and said, 'Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you would let Sally make a slave of you.'

Thought for the day and every day thereafter?



Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done... And the devil keeps throwing it up in your face (lying, cheating, debt, fear, bad habits, hatred, anger, bitterness, etc.) ..whatever it is...You need to know that God was standing at the window and He saw the whole thing.

He has seen your whole life. He wants you to know that He loves you and that you are forgiven. He's just wondering how long you will let the devil make a slave of you.

The great thing about God is that when you ask for forgiveness;

He not only forgives you, but He forgets.

It is by God's grace and mercy that we are saved.

Go ahead and make the difference in someone's life today.

Share this with a friend and always remember:

God is at the window!

When Jesus died on the cross; he was thinking of you!

reflections of the past thirty five years

On this the last day that I will ever be 35, I decided to look back at my life and just spill it all for those who read (I may have to delete this later). Just give everyone a glimpse at what is going on in my mind.

All my life I have always had the hardest time sharing my feelings. I keep them bottled up, all to myself and never let them out. There are some things that I can't even share with Rich. Not bad things, just my feelings, like when I am angry I don't just come out and say it. I usually walk away. If he hurts my feelings somehow, I don't just tell him, I internalize it. I'm not much of a cryer, it takes alot to make me break (not because I don't want to cry). Sometimes this makes me feel so cold. Do you know that it took me years to cry after my dad passed away (we're talking over ten)? And it's not because I didn't love my dad. I just couldn't make myself cry, until one day Rich and I were talking about something totally unrelated and I just blurted out, I miss my daddy and the tears flowed over. I might get misty eyed watching a movie, or over something my kids have done or said, but I just don't cry over normal things. Sometimes out of the blue things will build up and then I let loose, but for the most part I don't cry.

I am very insecure. I hate that about myself. There are lots of times residents at the nursing home will say things like "you look pretty in yellow, that's your color". Or the old men, will flirt with me and tell me that I'm pretty. I usually just laugh and say yeah right. I might act like I'm a tough person, that I don't care, but deep down, I do. I really just want people to like me. Rich is always saying how beautiful I am and half the time I look at him think, seriously? Me? No way. I might pass for cute, but not beautiful, get out of here. It does make me feel good about myself, that someone thinks I'm pretty. Because I never really had a lot of boyfriends. The ones I did have didn't last long. Later in college, I wouldn't call the guys I went out with boyfriends, more like sex partners. Nothing real came out of it. And I think in the end they were just using me or maybe I was using them? All I wanted was someone to love me, to really love me. That never came, until I met Rich.

Now Rich is always telling me, more like showing me (feelings are hard for him to express too). He does so many sweet things. He brings up things I mentioned years ago and will try to fulfill my every wish, dream and fanatasy. He never really wanted to settle in this town or buy this house. He just did it for me. Why does he do that? Is this what love means? I know I'm lucky to have him. Even though I spend most of my time just pushing him away. I don't know if it's an "I don't need you or anybody" attitude or I just don't know how to handle this love that he shows me. All I know is that I appreciate him and his love, and I love him, but I don't know how to show it.

Along with feeling insecure, I have always felt like I wasn't smart enough. As I was growing up my mother often made references to how I was a dumb blonde. Telling dumb blonde jokes and laughing at my expense. I have spent my entire life, trying to live up to her expectations. And while failing all the time and knowing it, I still felt like a lost puppy chasing her around saying "look at me". I can't seem to let it go. It haunts me and I hate it. While I was filling out college applications applying for nursing programs, because my mother persuaded me too, even though I had plans to go for teaching, I overheard my mother talking on the phone. She very plainly said, "Charlene isn't very smart, so I don't think this will last long." And yet, I constantly seek approval from her. Why? And do you know that my younger brother went to college for teaching? And our mother was all for it.

Now all these years later, I still struggle with thoughts of how dumb I am. Even though Rich has looked at my transcripts and saw my IQ score and tells me that I'm smarter than the average person, I still feel stupid. I'm so scared of failing and proving that I actually am stupid, that I won't go back to school for nursing or otherwise. Rich has told me numerous times, that I should go to school and I could go for what ever I wanted. But I don't know what I want and I'm too afraid to try.

I am so afraid of some many things. I live my life in fear. I'm afraid of being alone. I know that sounds odd, when I have such a big family. And don't get me wrong I do relish moments of privacy and quiet, but if something were to happen to my family and I was all alone, I just don't know what I would do with myself. I'm afraid of everything, maybe even life itself. I think I have spent so much time fearing life, that I haven't taken the time to just live my life.

I have this need to do everything by myself. I'm afraid to ask for help. I think that I should be able to do everything myself and if I can't, then there is something wrong with me. It's either all or nothing with me. If I can't get it all done, then I'm not even going to bother to try getting it done. Well, there you have it, my life in a nutshell. I'm hoping that this year, my 36th year, that I might be able to try something new, or change a bad habit or two, or maybe learn how to change some of these deep set feelings that I have. Here's to me on my birthday!