Saturday, April 12, 2008

reflections of the past thirty five years

On this the last day that I will ever be 35, I decided to look back at my life and just spill it all for those who read (I may have to delete this later). Just give everyone a glimpse at what is going on in my mind.

All my life I have always had the hardest time sharing my feelings. I keep them bottled up, all to myself and never let them out. There are some things that I can't even share with Rich. Not bad things, just my feelings, like when I am angry I don't just come out and say it. I usually walk away. If he hurts my feelings somehow, I don't just tell him, I internalize it. I'm not much of a cryer, it takes alot to make me break (not because I don't want to cry). Sometimes this makes me feel so cold. Do you know that it took me years to cry after my dad passed away (we're talking over ten)? And it's not because I didn't love my dad. I just couldn't make myself cry, until one day Rich and I were talking about something totally unrelated and I just blurted out, I miss my daddy and the tears flowed over. I might get misty eyed watching a movie, or over something my kids have done or said, but I just don't cry over normal things. Sometimes out of the blue things will build up and then I let loose, but for the most part I don't cry.

I am very insecure. I hate that about myself. There are lots of times residents at the nursing home will say things like "you look pretty in yellow, that's your color". Or the old men, will flirt with me and tell me that I'm pretty. I usually just laugh and say yeah right. I might act like I'm a tough person, that I don't care, but deep down, I do. I really just want people to like me. Rich is always saying how beautiful I am and half the time I look at him think, seriously? Me? No way. I might pass for cute, but not beautiful, get out of here. It does make me feel good about myself, that someone thinks I'm pretty. Because I never really had a lot of boyfriends. The ones I did have didn't last long. Later in college, I wouldn't call the guys I went out with boyfriends, more like sex partners. Nothing real came out of it. And I think in the end they were just using me or maybe I was using them? All I wanted was someone to love me, to really love me. That never came, until I met Rich.

Now Rich is always telling me, more like showing me (feelings are hard for him to express too). He does so many sweet things. He brings up things I mentioned years ago and will try to fulfill my every wish, dream and fanatasy. He never really wanted to settle in this town or buy this house. He just did it for me. Why does he do that? Is this what love means? I know I'm lucky to have him. Even though I spend most of my time just pushing him away. I don't know if it's an "I don't need you or anybody" attitude or I just don't know how to handle this love that he shows me. All I know is that I appreciate him and his love, and I love him, but I don't know how to show it.

Along with feeling insecure, I have always felt like I wasn't smart enough. As I was growing up my mother often made references to how I was a dumb blonde. Telling dumb blonde jokes and laughing at my expense. I have spent my entire life, trying to live up to her expectations. And while failing all the time and knowing it, I still felt like a lost puppy chasing her around saying "look at me". I can't seem to let it go. It haunts me and I hate it. While I was filling out college applications applying for nursing programs, because my mother persuaded me too, even though I had plans to go for teaching, I overheard my mother talking on the phone. She very plainly said, "Charlene isn't very smart, so I don't think this will last long." And yet, I constantly seek approval from her. Why? And do you know that my younger brother went to college for teaching? And our mother was all for it.

Now all these years later, I still struggle with thoughts of how dumb I am. Even though Rich has looked at my transcripts and saw my IQ score and tells me that I'm smarter than the average person, I still feel stupid. I'm so scared of failing and proving that I actually am stupid, that I won't go back to school for nursing or otherwise. Rich has told me numerous times, that I should go to school and I could go for what ever I wanted. But I don't know what I want and I'm too afraid to try.

I am so afraid of some many things. I live my life in fear. I'm afraid of being alone. I know that sounds odd, when I have such a big family. And don't get me wrong I do relish moments of privacy and quiet, but if something were to happen to my family and I was all alone, I just don't know what I would do with myself. I'm afraid of everything, maybe even life itself. I think I have spent so much time fearing life, that I haven't taken the time to just live my life.

I have this need to do everything by myself. I'm afraid to ask for help. I think that I should be able to do everything myself and if I can't, then there is something wrong with me. It's either all or nothing with me. If I can't get it all done, then I'm not even going to bother to try getting it done. Well, there you have it, my life in a nutshell. I'm hoping that this year, my 36th year, that I might be able to try something new, or change a bad habit or two, or maybe learn how to change some of these deep set feelings that I have. Here's to me on my birthday!
Post a Comment