Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Pour Your Heart Out - Warning could be a bit TMI


I have never participated in this meme before, but lately I've been feeling the need to get alot off my chest and just let it all out.  Two months ago, I started having painful periods (something I never experienced before).   I had terrible cramps, heavy bleeding, huge blood clots.  I lost so much blood that my blood pressure dropped.  I was freezing and couldn't get warm, I was light headed and dizzy.  Ever since I gave birth to Anthony and lost so much blood that I almost died, every time I gave birth afterwards they started giving me iron supplements.  So despite feeling and looking like crap, I headed to the store to buy some. 

I thought that period was horrible, until two weeks went by and I started another one.  Rich started begging me to go to the doctor.  He told me that he thought something was seriously wrong with me and he hated worrying about me being in that much pain, and wondering if there was something seriously wrong that required immediate care from the doctor.  So, off I went to see my old OB/GYN.  I know this is bad, but I hadn't been there since my 6 week check up after having Nathan.  Five years later, they still remembered me (but I guess since I had been going to them for 18 years and had 6 children, I probably was a little more memorable than others....not to mention that I probably made most of their car payments during all those years LOL).   The funniest thing was me sitting there in nothing but a paper gown on an examining table while the doctor chatted non stop for an hour "catching up" like old times, he asked about the kids, asked if I was still writing for the newspaper.  Told me all about his grandkids, etc.

He told me that I had fibroid tumors and would probably need a d&c and sent me off for more tests and ultrasounds.  A week went by and I didn't hear anything, so I called them.  They said that my uterus was enlarged from the tumors and to call again when I started bleeding.  Two more weeks went by and I started again.  This time, I prepared myself and started taking iron supplements the minute I realized what was happening.    I didn't experience any cold, dizziness or light headedness while taking the iron, but the bleeding and clotting were even worse then the last two times. 

Now, mind you I have always had a "belly" on me, after having so many kids.  But in the course of two months, my stomach is now bloated and so full that I look like I'm 9 months pregnant (I also have horrible back pain and cramps - I said I feel like I'm pregnant, but instead of getting the baby prize, I'm getting the booby prize).  I have gained 20 pounds in the last two months (without doing anything differently, no pigging out, no less exercise, nothing...just weight gain), Rich said with the exception of my stomach and boobs (which have gotten bigger too), that I look like I lost weight...so I know it's all in my stomach and boobs, know what I mean.

After calling the doctor back, I am now scheduled for a d&c and possible hysterectomy.  I had really been struggling with mixed emotions about babies and what not.  I had a tubal done after I gave birth to Nathan because I thought I was done having children.  But the more years went by, the more my heart ached for another baby.  Rich told me if I was that set on having more children that we could look into having my tubes untied.  I know in my head that six children are plenty and with my birth/pregnancies experiences it would be difficult, plus pregnancies get harder after 35 and I'm 38 now.  Can you see my dilemma? My heart said yes, my head so no.  And now my body is saying no freaking way girl!

Rich has been really sweet by telling me if I still feel like there is one more Juliani sitting on a bench somewhere waiting for us to love, then we could find a way...through foster care or adoption.  If God has it in mind for us to have more, then he'll find a way.  I also feel sort of guilty about feeling these feelings, because it's always been so easy for me to get pregnant and have kids, when others that I know and love struggle so much.  It makes me feel guilty or greedy or selfish or something....I don't know.

But, I guess my answer has come...I'm done, at least naturally anyway.  And after having gone through these last two months of feeling pregnant and having such extreme periods, I really don't want to be pregnant anymore.  I am miserable....down right miserable.  I'm tired, I'm grouchy, I'm irritable, I'm uncomfortable, I'm feeling old...to old to have babies.   I guess if God has it in mind for more children, they will have to come by other means, because I really don't want to be pregnant again LOL! No way man as Bart Simpson would say. 

Now, I'm just waiting for the end of the month, to have the d&c and see what else needs to be done. 
After, four extreme, awful periods in two months, 10 plus pairs of underwear and 5 pairs of pants being ruined and pitched out, feeling like I slaughtered someone when I'm looking at all that blood, gaining 20 pounds in two months and looking and feeling nine months pregnant for two months...I'm ready for change.  And hopefully looking at getting rid of this horribly terrible bloating feeling.  And I'm looking forward to life getting back to normal, at least as normal as our family life can be.

I feel better now, getting that all off my chest.  My emotions have been all over the place lately, and now I'm pretty much set on how my life has turned out.  I'm happy with my family the way it is.  I'm not happy about getting older.  But if I wait a few years (ok alot of years), I'll have some grand babies that will come along and fill whatever void I may have.  And I do have friends with babies that I can smell and hold and snuggle with and I can give them back when all the hard parts come along....stinky diapers, colic, potty training, terrible 3's, etc.......Yeah, I am feeling much better now.  Just need to get through the scary part of surgery and being put to sleep for it and I'll be just fine.

*If you want to pour your heart out too, go visit Shell at Things I Can't Say.....
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