Tuesday, June 08, 2010
End Of An Era
- it's the last week I have of just me and Nathan
- and it's the end of an era.
For years and years now I've always had at least one baby at home to take care of. Nathan is my last baby and since he's going to school next year- there will be no more babies for me to take care of at home. I don't think I really need to say that I've already broken down in tears three times this morning (Ok, four).
I know I will be dreading the fall, when school is back in session. I won't be one of the moms doing back flips through the parking lot this year. I will be sitting in my -very empty van- crying.
I asked Nathan what am I going to do now that I don't have any more babies to take care of......he told me I "should buy a baby".... If it were only that simple, huh?
I can see me now 50some years from now.....I'll be a little old lady in the nursing home rocking a babydoll and feeding it my mashed up bananas.
It's hard when most of your identity is wrapped around being a mom. Not that I would ever, EVER take any of those blessed years away. I may yell at my kids and they may think I'm a big meanie when I ground them. But I love them with my whole being. Rich has always said there was a method to my madness of having babies every 4 years (I never saw it), Because I would always have another one to care for. If I could turn back time, I never would of gotten my tubes tied. I was so sure I didn't want any more kids. And now I go back and forth almost daily debating why I did it. I know Rich would have agreed to more kids. He tells me that. He pretty much would do ANYthing to make me happy (Yes, I know how blessed I am). He "jokingly" asked me if I wanted him to get his hunting knife out and cut me open and tie my tubes back together. Don't think for a minute that I didn't at least entertain the idea, lol.
For weeks now, I've been trying to think of ways to make this day special - just a mommy and Nathan day. And my mind has come up blank. A little party? A huge craft project? Some cupcakes just for us? A library trip?
Maybe subconsciously I didn't want to think of the future, of today, ya know? Because I couldn't think of a single thing or way that I wanted to do to make this day extra special. Maybe that's just it...maybe we just need an every day, normal kind of day. Maybe that will be just as special too.
Ok.....gotta stop.....crying again..........
Where's the tissues?