Monday, August 04, 2008

Doormats For Sale!

Why do I have to be so damn sensitive?
Why do I have this intense need to please?

All my life I've walked around with a "welcome" sign stamped on my forehead. I've let my mother walk all over me my entire life. And I still do! Why can't I stop it? There have been a few times when I've grown a backbone and was able to stand up for myself, but most of the time....I just put up with it.

Because of the relationship that I have with my mother, I wanted to have a better relationship with my daughters. I wanted to do all that fun stuff that mother/daughters do. I wanted to be able to talk to my daughters, the way my mother never talked to me.

From the time our first child was born, Rich told me I was too easy with the kids. When they did something bad, I would poo-poo the situation. I just couldn't punish those sweet little babies. But, I didn't realize how big of a mistake that I was making. The situation I have with my mother that I didn't want to have, is exactly the relationship I have with my daughter. Only I'm still the child.

Tonight when I got home from work Amanda was watching a movie and it was clear that she had been sitting there for quite some time, because all the chores that she was to do (clean the kitchen) wasn't done. I got home at 10:30, and it was going on 11:30 when I asked her to do something for me, because I still had to go the store and my feet were killing me. She started yelling at me about watching her tv show, I tried explaining that I had been wearing my shoes for 10 hours. That my feet hurt. It ended with her screaming "Shut Up" to me.

I'm sure any other mother would have flipped out. But I didn't. I'm used to her treating me this way. I've said before that she's called me a bitch several times (not to my face, but within hearing distance). I didn't flip, I broke.

I just broke. After months of being disrespected, being called a bitch, screaming in my face, and not listening. I just had enough. I didn't lose my temper, I didn't fight back. I just sat and cried.

When Rich asked me why I was crying, I told him that I'm tired of being a doormat, that I let my mother walk all over me, that I let other people walk over, and now my own 15 year old daughter told me to shut up. I told him I didn't know how to stop it. I've spent 36 years getting my feelings hurt and not expressing how I felt.

Rich told Amanda that he didn't appreciate her saying that, he was very angry and told her that I am her mother and she should never speak to me that way. And most importantly I was his wife and he wasn't going to let anyone hurt me or talk to me that way no matter who they were.

For 16 years, Rich has been defending me. Fighting for my feelings. I love that he is so willing to protect me. But sometimes I wish I could defend myself. I wish I wasn't so damn sensitive! I wish I could have fought back, instead of backing down. I really wish that my daughter could see, really see how much she hurts me. I love her so much and it breaks my heart to feel that she doesn't even like me, let alone love me. I wish I could go back and fix all the mistakes I've made. I really pray that God will help me fix them now. That he gives me strength to make it through this. I know I will never stop being a doormat, but I wish for once I didn't care.

***After all that... I told her last night, not to use her cell phone today, that she could use someone else's (I took her's). I also told she needed to finish the dishes before she left.

What did she do today, took her cell phone and didn't do the dishes!!! Then she calls me on said phone and wants ME to take her a lunch - her and Anthony are at band camp at the high school. The audacity never ceases to amaze me!
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