Saturday, August 23, 2008

I'm feeling kind of blue

Not really sure why. Maybe I'm going to miss my kids when they go back to school. Maybe I'm tired of working and my back and feet killing me. Maybe I'm going through some sort of depression, I don't know. If it is depression, it certainly isn't as bad as it was in the past. About six, going on seven years ago, I was severely depressed. It was so bad that I had suicidal thoughts, nothing can be as bad as that. I don't really remember what triggered that depression. I think I was pregnant with Nicholas. And I remember thinking I didn't really want to be pregnant and I felt so guilty for praying it was just a really bad dream. I feel terrible now sharing how awful I felt. Then I blamed all of Nicholas' health problems on myself (for thinking so many bad things). I feel bad saying this, because Nicholas is a true blessing and I wouldn't know what I would do without him now.

I remember feeling as though I was in the middle of the ocean holding on to a piece of driftwood and thinking I should either hold on for dear life or just let go and drown. At my darkest point I remember driving down the road and looking at these big hills that were guarded by rails and thinking I could just drive right through that and no one would even miss me.

Those dark, lonely days were awful and it was a hard, long struggle to pull myself out of the hole I dug for myself. I took zoloft, xanax, and a slew of other drugs. And I remember thinking why can't I just be normal. What is wrong with me that I have to take pills to make me happy. I remember yelling at my kids, pushing Rich away, and just living in a big old mess. My house was a mess, my family was a mess and I was a mess. It took alot of help from my family and friends to bring me back into the light.

That's what it feels like. Like you are living in the dark, and nothing matters. And you come out of the dark and enter the light it blinds you and all you want to do is climb back in. Thank God Rich and my friends just kept tugging and pulling me along. I think it finally hit me one day when my friend Rachel said "Charlene, do you realize what you are putting yourself through, what you put your family through. Can't you see what a big mess your life is?" I never really looked at it. Looked hard enough at it. And when I did, I started to climb out inch by inch. I faced some major fears that year too.

I got a job. And its funny when you think about how simple my job is now, but I really stressed myself out over it. Everyday I would come home from the classes practically in tears, wanting to quit and begging Rich not to make me go back. I was so afraid I would fail. Fail and make a fool out of myself. That I wasn't smart enough to take the classes and I would look like an idiot for failing something that was pretty simple. I only made it a big deal. I ended up being the second in the class. Pretty good for a stupid failure, huh?

I also faced my fear of heights (and I openly admit, I'm still scared witless being high off the ground - but I make myself do it anyway). My family and I went to a local children's amusement park. In one section of the park there is this huge, very high rope/net thing. I mean it shoots straight up. I watched the kids go up and Rich go up and I just sat there watching thinking, no way was I going up that thing. When the kids and Rich came back and begged me to go with them, I shrugged them off. Rich gave me a little pep talk and told me Sarah was really scared too and she did it and if she could do I could too.

So up I went inch by inch with Rich by my side until I made it to the top. There were plenty of people passing me along the way. I got so scared at the top I just couldn't get myself over the edge. I stood there shaking that whole net. When I got the courage to look up, instead of down I saw the kids sitting there watching. They were all yelling and screaming "Come on mom, you can do it" And it was just enough (well that and Rich pushing my butt up and over) that got me to the top where they were all waiting.

There were many more things I did that year that made me see just how wonderful my life is. That I shouldn't take things for granted. I shouldn't live with so much fear (I still struggle with fears every single minute of the day). And I got better. So even though I'm feeling alittle blue now, I know I will never let myself get as low as I was once before, ever again! I just need a little boost every now and then, like Rich pushing me up over the edge and I know I'll be alright. So forgive me if I don't comment as much on your blogs or I keep to myself for a few days. I'm fine, and I'll be back in a few days. I just need a little me time right now.
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